A simple yes or no: consent in the modern age

By Cartie Whitelaw 

When it comes to intimacy, oftentimes the impression we have in our mind is a wordless infatuation. The bodies do the talking, and subliminal messages are as clear as day. From the movies we watch, the books we read, and even music, sex is described as an inherently intuitive act, yet the reality is always different. Accidental headbutts, differing preferences, kinks, there are so many moving parts in sex that require real conversation. One huge, and arguably the most important factor in sex, is consent. So how does it work?

Three types of consent

Consent, in simple terms, is the mutual agreement between two (or more) parties to engage in some type of act. Regarding sex, there is a consistent agreement throughout the entirety of intimacy that both people (or more) are enthusiastically interested in what is happening. For this agreement to be valid, both people must be of sound mind without an imbalance of power. Additionally, consent can be revoked at any time during sex, and cannot be given through coercion. So, how do you get consent? There are actually three kinds, each operating off the above precepts, but all nuanced to specific situations. 

Implied Consent 

The first kind of consent is implied and is the most murky of all three. It requires a strong emotional intelligence, intuition, and couth of both parties. Implied consent is based mainly on the actions and inactions, rather than words, of two people. A cruiser hookup in the locker room of your local gym is a great example. In this situation, no words are used, but through a series of confirmational behaviors, intimate eye contact, smiles back-and-forth, an excited approach, and mutual affection, consent is implied. Both parties appear to be enthusiastic about the intimacy and therefore continue with a large possibility of not saying anything at all. While situations like these are definitely hot, if you have any doubts at all, the best thing to do is verbalize them and talk with your potential partner.

Informed Consent

The next type is informed consent. This is when you get a full, comprehensive explanation of what is to take place between two (or more) people, and it’s mutually agreed upon before the act(s) take place. One example of this could be a sub-bottom visiting his local dom-daddy for a kinky session. The dom in this situation would talk with his sub, chat about all the things they both want to do, agree to it, and then go into the session with the reassurance that everything taking place is mutually pleasurable. An important part of this is that while they agreed on this beforehand, both parties reserve the right to revoke consent if they are uninterested or uncomfortable with what’s happening. In their world, this would probably be a safe word. Pineapple!

Expressed Consent

Last but not least, there is expressed consent. Expressed consent is probably the most clear-cut of all the different types. This type is a direct and explicit expression of agreement to do a certain thing between two or more parties. Regarding sex, this looks like direct conversations starting with questions like “Are you okay with me (f*cking, touching, fisting, kissing, etc.) you?” which is followed by a response that directly agrees, such as, “Yes, daddy!” “Fuck yeah” or “yes, I am okay with that.” For example, John wants to give Sam a blow job, so John asks, “Can I suck your dick?”, and if Sam is interested in this proposition, he would say something like, “Get down there and choke on it like a good boy,” or “Yes, you may.” With conversations like these, it can be assured that everyone is interested and excited, and leaves any room for doubt out the door.

Sex should be fun, exciting, and most of all a good time for everyone involved. Consent is the foundation of all of this. When you take the time to check in with the other person, you not only establish a mutual trust between you both but also create space for a deeper intimacy. Sex is not a wordless infatuation based solely on intuition; it requires communication, requires you to take the time to check in on another person, and make their comfort your priority. All things that are incredibly sexy and important to developing a healthy outlook on intimacy.

Written by Cartie Whitelaw, Staff Writer @ Pure for Men

Cartie writes about queer wellness, identity, and finding confidence through community and self-care.