Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Monogamy: Understanding Modern Gay Relationships

By Cartie Whitelaw

When it comes to falling in love, we often picture some old black and white film or maybe something new like Call Me by Your Name. While the movies are great, real life is often much more complicated, and love even more so. Instead of one clear-cut love story, we are faced with what seems like an overwhelming number of paths to walk. It can be paralyzing to find out who you are, how you want to love, and most importantly, to be at peace with what you want. Across the gay internet, there has been a huge amount of discourse on these very questions, mainly to put down the idea of open relationships. Instead of vilifying or championing one way of loving, which is much easier to do, we should dive into the options. Let’s understand different ways of being, and just maybe you can figure out which path is right for YOU.

Polyamory

So what is polyamory, really? According to the dictionary, it is a style of relationships where someone engages in multiple romantic and sexual relationships with the mutual consent of all parties involved. The keyword there is consent. Through clear communication and the establishment of boundaries, polyamory operates on the agreement of all parties involved. While the definition of fidelity is a bit different here, respect, like any other relationship, is always present.

So why not just one person? Oftentimes times polyamorous folks view relationships as stimulating yet not the end-all be-all to their connection with someone. What I mean by this is that polyamorous people don’t expect one person to fulfill all their romantic needs. Maybe one person could fulfill an intellectual part of their life, and another a more physical one. Through polyamory, they can appreciate another person fully for who they are, without sacrificing themselves in the process. For them, love is more free-flowing and less devotional. Quite a beautiful way to live indeed.

Open Relationships 

On the same coin as polyamory exists open relationships. Some people sort of group them, and the definition of them can change per person. However, the definition for today will be as follows. Open relationships are when you have one primary partner, romantic and sexual, the person you probably live with, and marry (if that’s your thing). However, open relationships have different lines when it comes to fidelity. In a simple explanation, you are in a relationship but can have sex with other people too. Oftentimes, this requires a lot of agreements between you and your primary partner about how much you will communicate about your other escapades, boundaries, and the setting of having sex with other people. Many times, you will find that people in open relationships have a sort of separation between sex and love; while they can intersect, they also have the ability to not be intertwined at all. 

The benefits of this style are similar to those of polyamory; there is less ownership over the other person, and you can follow your infatuations wherever they may lead you. Your sexual needs can be explored outside the bounds of just one person, and intimacy can be redefined completely. Also, because you have a primary partner, you can have the security to rely completely on another person and have great emotional consistency. Alongside that, there is a level of transparency that you can share with your partner that is unmatched. You can be more open about your attractions and have less shame about your wants outside the bounds of your primary relationships. How cool!

Monogamy

Monogamy, based on that prefix alone, you probably already know what this one is. Monogamy is when you have only one partner sexually and emotionally. The lines of fidelity are much more defined, and overall, it’s a lot less complicated (if it’s what you really want). Monogamy relies on the idea of devotion, of one person, of soulmates. It’s the type of relationship that you hope is fated; there is this one special person for you out there who will be the perfect fit for you and all of your needs. Monogamists often get married and build their life completely with their partner, from living together to merging all assets; monogamy is about becoming a strong unit with your partner. Through establishing such firm lines with another person, you can really feel like you can rely on them and have consistency. On top of that, there is much more of an opportunity to build a deep emotional intimacy with another person. Because all of your energy and time is directed towards another person, you will inevitably get to know them on an extremely deep level. How powerful!

Choosing a Path

Whatever way of loving you choose is a beautiful one. To care about other people on a deeper level is such an honor that we often take for granted, and the fact that there are so many ways to do it is amazing. The main point of advice here is to be open, but also make sure you are walking YOUR path and not someone else’s. So, hopefully, this article enlightened a few more aspects of different relationship types, destigmatized any harmful opinions, and sparked curiosity about your own boundaries. Now go out there and love some people!

Written by Cartie Whitelaw, Staff Writer @ Pure for Men

Cartie writes about queer wellness, identity, and finding confidence through community and self-care.